Will they ban private crypto soon?

I'm actually suspicious that the idea itself was born of government back in 1996 and has merely been smuggled out into the private sector via a cutout (has Satoshi cashed in any of his billions yet?) and will now be philanthropically "gifted back" by one of their tentacles (Facebook's diem?) - just an act of IP laundering to avoid government fingerprints all over it?

I'm also very puzzled why those holding private crypto think that the security of their asset extends to them personally? Surely any exchange they have used will turn their details over to the authorities when pressed?